going to Aceh...

Leaving for Aceh in the morning and I am tired even before I leave. The past week had been a flurry of activities and there were so many things to do to prepare for this project. I have never packed so many things in my entire life before. 33 boxes of stuff and almost a tonne of baggage in all. we were stuck in the airport for more than 5 hours because of the excess baggage. there was no more money left from the funds to pay for the 300 plus kilos of excess baggage. We thought we have to fork out our own money but we sent an SOS to someone and that someone managed to raise $1500 in 3 hours. Phew! Lucky we checked in 1 day earlier. Imagine if we checked in tmr morning. We will never leave Singapore.

Oh gosh, I have so many bruises on my knees. After this I am not touching cardboard boxes, bubble wrap and masking tape for at least 5 years.

I hope I will learn many things on this trip. I know I am going there as an educator but I have a feeling that I will be the one educated.

Aceh is packed with foreigners now. All the world's media will focus their attention to Aceh and the other places hit by the Tsunami last year. I jkeep forgetting that and kept imagining Aceh as a quiet place. Not so quiet if many teams are going there.

Ok, pray for my safety and wish me luck.

World of Sports

Went ice skating and the sports fitness expo after softball today. Seems like today is a day where I can't get away from students no mateer how far away I go. At Fuji Ice Palace, met some sec 3 students. Tried to teach a couple of them how to ice skate but failed miserably cos I don't remember how I was taught to skate. Anyway, they had fun and my skating skills have definitely improved. My backward swivel is nice now. Then at Suntec City met one of my sec 4s working part time.

The sports fitnes expo was kind of disappointing. Too few sports being showcased as very few companies took up a booth. I did get a free check on my spinal stress. Analysis was expected, too much stress on neck and shoulders. Supposed to see a chiropractor next week at a promotional price of $80. But as I left the hall, I feel that I need not see the chiropractor and waste my money, i know why i have stress on my shoulders and neck. The way I sleep, the way I hold my bag.. so I am going to cancel the appointment.

Actually, I would rather spend the money on a manicure at this nail place at suntec city. The mani and pedi that they have sounds so wonderful. Thinking of getting the 1 and 1/2 hr mani or pedi. I think $95 is worth it. I am terrible, aren't I. Think i am quite a snob when it comes to the finer things in life. Eversince I bought the sapphire ring, i refused to even consider semi precious stones. I passed by several jewellery stores and I am very satisfied that my 5 coloured sapphire ring is indeed the nicest. But Lee Hwa just came out with another sapphire ring design that looks so gorgeous. And the sapphire bracelet, simply brilliant. I wish a millionaire would just drop from the sky and marry me so that I can have all the nicest jewellery. Darn it, I am getting too materialistic. Get a grip, girl. How many sapphire rings does a girl need? Plenty actually, but one will suffice and the bracelet is just extravagant.

I looked around for sportswear and found a very nice Nike t-shirt and trackpants. I looked at so many stores but very disappointed by the lack of selection. Actually I need a new pair of running shoes. The current one is falling apart. I think this coming trip to Aceh will it be its last mission anywhere. Also need a new jacket. Been going around forever looking for the perfect shoes and jacket. Very partial to Adidas but the colors are just not nice. Nike and Solomon has nice jacket but I think I shall wait for the post Christmas sale.

ok enough shopping talk. promised myself no more shopping until i start regular exercising and lose weight. Well, if I hold on to the promise, I am going to save a whole lot of money.

Read in TNP about Sea Games and how the host always win the most medals. Pretty normal but he did bring about the idea of the true meaning of the SEA games are lost and that countries only strive for medals. Totally agree with him, but he is not a credible source. He is afterall a disgruntled politician who hates to see his country coming in 2nd. In fact if any other country frets, they are just being biased. It is a catch 22 situation, I think. But getting to my point, i have to agree with Thaksin. I used to love watching the Olympics and the SEA and Commonwealth games. The international friendship and spirit was electrifying, the sportsmanship was great. Now, all these are secondary. Winning is most important. I think, they have missed the point of the games. Any games, any tournament should have an objective more than just winning. Unfortunately, as a teacher in charge of a sport, I know this is not always true. Winning, sometimes/ most times, is everything. Sad...

Pottering around

So thus ended the 2 day 1 night softball camp. All went well, hopefully no repurcussions and no complaints.
Went to watch Harry Potter after camp with a couple of girlfriends. Colleagues were surprised I still have the energy.. I actually got my appetite back in the morning. Perhaps that is why I have energy. Anyway, I was dying to watch Harry Potter.
Was afraid I will be disappointed with the movie. Reviews and many people said that it was quite a disappointment. I have to disagree with them though. I think those who find it disappointing compared it with the book too much. But the cinematic value is good. Of course, there are some parts where you would not understand unless you have read the book but just one or two parts. The film offered me a different view from how I imagined it to be from reading the book. There are several parts in the film that helped to drive the intended meaning of the author better than what I could infer from the book. Long story short, I enjoyed the movie.

Somebody brought a baby to the movies. The baby cried and talked in some parts of the movie. Not that I was actually bothered but it made me remember Sumiko Tan's recent article about how parents should not bring their children around in public places unless their child can behave. It brought a slew of letters to the Forum page both in agreement and disagreement to her sentiments. Not surprising that those who disagreed with her are parents. Of course most parents are blind to the faults of their own children. I probably be like them someday. I hope I can be rational and sensible and not be like them. The question that popped in my head during the movies: "Who in the right mind would want to bring a baby to watch a 2 and 1/2 hour movie???!!!" Ok, so I sound a bit harsh, but hey, people pay good money to be entertained and we dont really appreciate babies in our midst. Anyway, that is why there are VCDs and DVDs. For people who cannot go to the movies. Come on lah, as parents there are sacrifices to be made. Personal entertainment at the movies is one of them. Or else, send your kids to be looked after by someone else while you are at the movies. Seriously, which 2 or 5 year old child understand Harry Potter? My take on it, if they are too young to understand the book, they are too young to watch it in the movies.

Sleepless in AHS

11 pm and I am in the teachers' room. Not doing work, fortunately. Just have to be around for the Softball bonding camp. I had every intention to enjoy myself at this camp but I had to fall sick the morning of the camp. Was feverish and I could not eat at all. Arrived in school and threw up all my undigested dinner (disgusting). I couldn't eat anything after that. As of now, I have only eaten a slice of watermelon. Initially I couldn't even hold down water. I want to throw up all the time. I am kind of hungry but the thought of eating makes my stomach queasy and I feel sick.

I was too sick to even cheer for the friendly matches. It seems that opening my mouth will cause me to want to throw up. Both teams won though, good for them. Proud of my gals. Their fielding has improved but base running is poor. They need to be more confident as well. Same goes for the boys. Confidence is key. I have a dream...to break the RI winning streak. Can't we? I hope and I know we could. Or at least get the top 4 positions in all the tournaments and continue to do so for years to come. I don't see why not, though. My B boys are as good as any other top teams. They just need to believe in themselves. My C boys are coming on strong, they will be as good, I am sure. There is a long way still for the girls but they can emerge victorious one day.

Meanwhile, I am impressed with the outcome of this camp. There is still one more day to go and they might just disappoint me, but so far I was happy with what they have planned. Those who planned the camp are good, responsible leaders. Without much guidance, they have managed to make this camp a success, so far. I am really pleased.

It is close to midnight. I have to go check on them. Looks like I wont really be sleeping much tonight. I tried to sleep earlier on cos I was not well. My sleep was always interrupted by phone calls and SMS that I could not sleep for long. Snatches of only 10 to 15 minutes. Oh goodness, I am really sleepy but I need to go and check on them.

NOTICE OF CLARIFICATION!

It is with great disappointment and agitation that I have to write this notice to clarify what are my duties as teacher during the school holiday period.

It has come to my attention recently that students, fellow peers and ignorant folks out there think that teachers are free during the school holidays to slack and pursue our own interests. Sadly, this is not true. Teachers are not paid to have school holidays. We still have to go to school and work. We have to write reports, meet parents, meet students, invigilate, draw up budget for next year, write proposals, review of the year, have meetings and plan for next year's academic and non academic stuff. These are just some of the things we have to do. The list goes on, believe me.

It is true that we have more leisure time but we are still bogged down by paper work. We need not be physically be in school to work. There is such a thing called email, phone and working from home.

So students who irritate me with "Holidays what, teacher can slack.", do hold your tongue before I give you a piece of my mind. When you do see us in school, do bear in mind that we do not hole ourselves up in the exclusive staff room chained to our chairs and sleep or else have tea parties and gossip. We work very hard and it would be lovely if people do not take teachers for granted and think we are choosing a career that is easy.

Oh, and dear students, do also bear in mind that activities, lessons and resources do not drop from the sky. Teachers plan them and do painstaking research. Also, do remember you can't get everything you want just because you ask for them. Teachers are not given miracles like the prophets and we cannot do wonders all the time (we are human beings, so we also make mistakes like you).

Lastly, spare a thought for teachers. We need a break. So my softballers, while you think you need no break and wish to continue training, spare a thought for your teachers in charge.

There you have it. I tell you teachers are sick and tired of hearing students say we have nothing to do during holidays. If I hear another comment about it, I will really smack that student. Ok, I can't smack them. Not allowed to do so but I can give them a scathing look and a tongue lashing. What is it about teaching that makes people think that it is an easy career? See Boston Public? It doesn't even come close to the things we teachers really have to do and the issues we have to deal with. MTV should really make a reality TV about teachers. See us do marking, teach, plan, coordinate activities, research etc. Why are we thought of as free spirits who have afternoons off for shopping (Ok, I do admit that one of the perks of teaching is that you can avoid crowds and shop in the afternoon) but really most teachers work till late. If the school custodian do not chase us out by 6pm, teachers will probably stay in school till midnight to work. Seriously, we are not highly paid baby sitters either. So people out there change your mindset about teachers. I work really hard and I find it offensive that people make light of my career.

Read the entire shopoholic books by Sophie Kinsella.. they are positively, briliantly funny. It took me about 2 days to read all the 4 books. My fave has got to be Shopoholic Abroad. "It's on sale...so I am actually saving some $" Honestly, poor logic..but unfortunately it is a logic that most women fall back on when it comes to shopping. Wish I have her life though, someone to help her deal with her shopping problems and debt. Not that I have a shopping problem. But would just love to go on a spending spree...everyday. Wish I have a rich relative who dotes on me and give me money or I won a million dollar lucky draw. Imagine all the shopping I can do. Actually, I probably won't do all that shopping. I probably invest all that money for old age or early retirement. Security first... shopping later. So owning a real Burberry, Prada or LV will remain in my dreams for about forever. Anyway, could buy imitations. No one can tell the difference.

On the bright side, after reading these 4 books and 1 other book, i have increased my readership by (let's see now, 5 /2 * 100 = 250) 250%. woah, that's cool. Now i have time to read. I can even peruse over the newspapers at leisure. There is plenty of work to do left in school but there is enough time for me to slow down and take stock of my life. Read more, for instance. Go take up classes. Exercise ( ok, not really, but it is in my plans ... the weather has not been kind lately. The rain, you know...otherwise, I am just too tired). Well, at least I rediscovered the joys of reading and I am making another one of my childhood dreams come true (shall not say what it is). I have not been watching tv nor switched on my computer for the last 2 days because I was engrossed in reading. Cool huh. Just like the old days when I was still schooling. In my uni days I had to do speed reading...have to read plenty for tutorials. But, well the library in NUS was well stocked with gzilllions and gzillions of interesting books. When I got bored of studying or research, I could go look in the art or design books in the open bookshelves. Or if I was at the restricted Singapore and Malaysian collection, could read all the LAT comic books or read up on fantastic history or people. Read about Imelda Marcos once. Tragic story. Poor Imelda...

Righto, now off to do one of the many activities I have lined up for this holiday.

Pitter..Patter...There goes my heart

Social Studies 'O' level paper today. I wonder who is more anxious, me or them? Probably me. . Judging by the emails, calls and smses over the weekend, some of them are clearly not prepared for the exams.

Pretty much irritated by these last minute workers. It was my holiday and my weekend, I should not be working. Loads of callers not wishing me a good Hari Raya but plenty to ask me silly question that I think should not be asked in the 11th hour. They should know the answers if they had been listening in class and practised constantly before, during and after the prelim period.

I had nightmares about the O levels. That is how anxious I am for them. Well, good luck to them!

Indulgence

Had my toenails done today. Got a pedicure, just for fun. I decided to finally join in the mani-pedi craze. It feels so good to be pampered. Now my toenails are all shiny and square. Cuticles all cut away, feet smooth and silky. Can't help but keep looking at my toenails now. They are just so shiny and cute. :)

Think this mani-pedi thing should be a permanant feature in my life. I think i deserve it. Occupational hazards of marking and walking around too much definitely deserves a monthly pampering. Definitely going to use my spa membership too. A shiatsu massage perhaps?

Note for myself: This holiday I am to focus on my well being.

Things to do:
1. Keep fit - Yoga and skating
2. Go for a holiday
3. Learn a new sport
4. Pick up a new hobby ( if there is time, money and interest)

Ok, I think I am all set for the holidays. My plans will go full steam ahead from Monday, 7 November 2005.

To all celebrating Deepavali and Hari Raya Aidilfitri - Happy Deepavali and Selamat Hari Raya!
Happy DeepaRaya everyone.

Summary of events

One of the most delicious food on earth is also a poison. Just ate buah salak (for the life of me, i dont know what this fruit is called in English) all preserved in vinegar. The tangy taste of the fruit combined with the sweet, soury taste of vineagr is oh so delish. But it is oh so not good for me. I am still suffering the consequences. Coughing and wheezing, phlegm coming up. The taste of the delicacy is worth the discomfort. :)

I bought the fruit at the Geylang bazaar. This will be the last year the bazaar will be held at the market. They are going to pull it down soon. Felt nostalgic going through the market, visiting my fave shops. Going to miss all the shops there (esp the one with the cute Indian shopkeeper who looks like a Bollywood actor. Hahaha). The market may be dingy and it doesn't look so clean but it is so colourful and authentic. It exists on its own socio-political-economical cosmos of its own. It is one of the unique vastiges of Singapore that is left and the government has to take it away. Fire hazard, they say...is it though...? Never mind, I should go down to the bazaar again and take pictures of it. The colours of the bazaar in the Geylang market.

eh, just realised that I went through the bazaar everyday since Saturday. Everytime for different reasons. Sat and Sun I went to the bazaar to buy things for the orphans at Pertapis Children's Home. We made quite a bargain. Bought bags, watches and some other stuff at really, really low prices. Of course most of the time Feisal has the sad look on his face that most people cannot resist and so they are compelled to give us cheap prices. hahah. Anyway, it was all for the children. Actually, most people are willing to help us out . Mention orphans and they do not mind selling us their goods at rock bottom prices.

The children at Pertapis are really very sweet kids but very difficult to manage. For a fleeting moment I felt I was like in 4G or 4B. The only difference is that I can scold my students but i cant scold these kids. But, there was no need for scoldings, these are a bunch of very sensitive kids from broken homes. So love and care are much better. We did make their day. They had fun playing all our games and of course they loved our goody bags and the hari raya money! But Ustaz Nazmi did gently remind us that one day of fun and games is all well and good but some of the kids will not be spending Hari Raya with their family and are staying in the home.... sad. He did ask us that if we could, we should try to come down again on the eve or on Hari Raya itself and spend some time with the kids. I was awed at his dedication to the welfare of the kids. He is such a soft spoken and gentle person and he spend all his time in the home. He himself won't be celebrating the Hari Raya with his family as he has to take care of the kids in the home. Such dedication is very admirable.

Quite an emo weekend, really. Started on friday with the sec 4s graduation ceremony. Not sad, but proud. How they have grown since I took them last year and they are all ready to leave. Spread their wings, fly away and find their way into the world and make their mark. Such characters, each and every one of them. I will miss all of them. The thinsg they do that just crack me up... I do hope that in some tiny way I have made a difference in their lives. And if one day any of them become famous, I could bask in their glory and tell people: S/he was my student once. heh, such thoughts....I suspect this is the feeling that all teachers talk about when they say teaching is rewarding. (the pay and the hours do suck, and well our HR is lousy. I really should not be complaining ... )

who says kindness pays?

So what do you know... the world is indeed a strange one. Ever tried to be kind and get scolded for doing so? I am still reeling from the scolding. I mean, I was just trying to be kind. So, perhaps it was wrong because of specific reasons unknown to me. So, it is still not my fault. Sometimes, it is a lose-lose situation. You help, you are in the wrong and who knows if I did not help, I would still be in the wrong. Totally understand the reasons for not helping...after I was told about it. I still think I should not be scolded for it. The reasons could have been told to me nicely and after all how was I to know your reasons in the first place.

I try very hard but if it is never good enough, then what the --- am I suppose to do. Maybe, I should practice showing my emotions. Hurt, anger, disappointment, displeasure, then maybe they will think twice about scolding me unnecessarily. But, It is just not in my nature to do so. Talk about welfare and consideration for others. Where is my welfare? where is your consideration for me? So hurt and angry that I just want to swear.

Maybe I should just see a shrink to talk about my bottled up feelings and thoughts...

Around the world (S'pore) we go

Let's face it, we gals rock the world when we get together. Planning things are so much fun. Amazing how we achieve so much amidst all the giggles, side tracks and interruptions. But, we did. Heh, we are just seasoned volunteers. Most people will panic when nothing is finalised the week before the event, but not us. Cool as cucumbers, actually, more like noisy and giggly bunch of .... err... I think nothing is comparable to us.

So to make things funner, we went to Giant at Turf City to buy our prizes. We could have gone to shop and save at Sing Post building or Sheng Siong at the corner, but where is the fun in that? Then we went to Cheese Prata shop at Clementi, at the foot of NUS to eat prata and roti john for the fun of it.

Now, whoever heard of ordering roti john chicken cheese BUT cheese on one side only. Why? Cos Chilliz don't eat cheese. Well, we did. Heh, first time i suppose they get weird orders. Think the family beside us was scandalised by the noise we made. And the very innocent line on the menu that go us all laughing for 5 minutes. We were so naughty ... heh heh. Cheeky gals.... :)

the Ups of life

Life is really like an undulating river. There are times when things get so depressing and the next moment, a series of events happen that just make you love the world.

Went shopping last Friday. I really cannot afford to spend but I went shopping on behalf of my mother. I was supposed to buy my nephews clothes and stuff for my mum. So I went shopping using my mum's money. Bought plenty of stuff for them. It feels good to go shopping, and it feels even better when I am not using my own money. in all fairness, none (except one- and I used my one money) was for me. Boy, kids clothes are really expensive. I have bought my nephews clothes many times now but it never fails to amaze me how much they cost. But what do I care? Shopping is great fun. Maybe, when I want to quit teaching I should be a personal shopper. It gives me an all time high that not even chocolates can provide. I was so engrossed in shopping i lost track of time and missed the break fast time. Reached home at 7 plus and my mum and I excitedly pored over the things I bought for her and my nephews. Gushing over the beautiful things I bought gave me another high. (Why do people turn to drugs or sniff glue when shopping gives one such a high)

Saw this sapphire ring at Lee Hwa. Very tempted to buy. Giving my self some more time to think about buying that ring. It is incredibly gorgeous.

Saturday slept until 2. Felt very lethargic after that. Can't even play with my nephews. Sunday I went trigger happy and keep taking photos of my cats. See some of his photos:
http://www.shahnan.com/gallery2/main.php

School was quite fun today. Very extraordinary. Some students said it was cool. staff room got flooded. Water cooler pipe in the lounge burst on Sunday evening. Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink....who wants to anyway? Lucky only some of my students compo books got wet and I had to throw away a few of 3A's history project. We had to do some impromptu spring cleaning and throw away damaged stuff. Lucky I dont have much stuff under the desk. All my mess are on the desk.

Practically did not do much apart from the cleaning up so I went home early. When I crossed the road towards the petrol station, I heard someone saying hello to me. I turned and I saw this Mat with yellow hair waving and saying hello. Much confused and amused, I walked on. Undeterred, he called out again, so I replied with a smile and a wave. A tall wall seperates this romeo and myself, but he somehow managed to stand on top of something so that he can call out to me. He asked for my phone number and asked to be friends. Very amused by now, I thought i have passed the age where boys and girls do casual flirting like this. I shook my head to his questions, but i really do feel like laughing. He doesn't sound so disappointed though, it was more of a fun conquest for him.

So, it was a happy 4 days. I just have to remind myself that things dont remain happy always. Life is tough, especially working life. At least I have the holidays to look forward to.

Found! A cure for imsomniacs!

I have found the cure to imsomnia: marking! It is true. Seriously folks, if you have insomnia, just go to any one of your teacher friends and offer them your help. You not only benefit yourself by getting the well deserved sleep you need but you are also reliefing the burden of your teacher friends. However, to get the best cure, you must not just get any subjects for marking. Choose, for instance, subjects like English and Humanities. These are the best cures. The repetitive essays, structured and source based answers will put you to sleep instantly. If not, I guarantee by the 15th or 20th script, you will be in dreamland. Trust me, I have felt the power of marking. I had enough of it that by looking at one exam script I will feel sleepy. So, step right up for your cures now.

(FYI: Next post will be after I finish end of year exam marking and perhaps when O levels have started.)

Are we tolerant enough?

Went into sleep mode immediately upon reaching home. Very tired yesterday. Slept a good 12 hours and I was awoken by this news:

YET another blogger was hauled to court yesterday for posting allegedly racist remarks online - the third person charged under the Sedition Act this week. Seventeen-year-old private school student Gan Huai Shi is accused of promoting ill will and hostility among different races through comments on his blog.

Straits Times - 17/09/05

A 17 year old with so much hatred in him. When I read the news, I felt justice was served, after all, I read his blog and I was angered by his entries. But I felt pity for him. Pity that he habours so much hatred - how does one become so racist? Certainly it is not a genetic defect. One wonders ....

How would my students fare if there is a test on being tolerant? I wonder what are their thoughts on this issue? One thing I note, they have to learn to be more tactful. I do hope that their interactions with me has been of some use and educational. At least, hopefully, they do know more than my standard joke that underneath the scarf I am bald (sometimes, I say I have purple hair), have no ears nor neck and that I don't get a heat stroke despite wearing long sleeves and pants plus scarf under the hot sun.

My take on it: Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but to incite intolerance and ill will is bad. To talk about it and discuss it and learn more to dispel myths, sterotypes and to encourage understanding would be great. You know, everyone should have a good dose of Russel Peters and learn to laugh at themselves and streotypes and then watch "American History X" and then do a discussion on the futility of hate and intolerance. (Of course, the immature students would just misuse Russel Peters and concoct more Fat Mama jokes during training or think it is alright to tell me degratory racist jokes.)

Problem is, it is a slippery issue. Talk all we want till the cows come home, but something more has to be done about this.

What the ...?

Feeling very abandoned at the moment. I don't think I am cut out for this. Am I even cut out for anything? I am so questioning my life and choices now. A horrid day, stupid me, mistakes made. I am not liking my life at this moment.

Lesson learnt: very valuable. hate being put in a spot. I am too nice, I think, to people. So I expect people to be nice to me. Then I get so upset when they don't because I don't deserve it. I didn't do anything to deserve that treatment. I know where I went wrong but I dont think I deserve it like that, no matter who you are. I should be meaner, then when someone treat me in that way I would expect it. Tit for tat, right?

I am so hurt to the core.

The value of friendship

I met Mai this morning at Mc's. We had a nice talk. It is rare to meet her these days cos she has betrayed us easterners and she is now living on the other side of Singapore. Haha haa, Eastern redneck and proud of it. Meeting her just now reinforced my idea of friendship. This has been on my mind for some time now. How much do you value friendship? What does one mean when one is a friend?

See, friendship needs work. Like in any relationship, one needs to work on it. Build bonds, make memories together, share gossip and communicate. I don't understand it when someone told me we will be friends and then guess what, nothing from that person. Do you value your friendship, then?

Amongst my TKAmazons, Sohabahs and other friends we don't meet up as often as we should or like nor do we communicate that often, but see we drop emails, simple SMSes to say hello. Something, anything to tell our friends, 'hey you, U ok there? I am ok and look you are special to me cos we are friends.'

Oh crap... we all have different lives now, careers take up 90% of our time and then family and what nots, sure very little time left for friends. I so do understand. "X is busy. Work is tough, u know. That's why X has not been keeping in contact." Bullshit! Everybody is busy and don't talk to me about being busy. I am busy too. Teaching does not stop when the bell goes at 245. I am stressed and busy that I even dream of working at night. And my friends who do keep in touch are also busy, busy ppl too. That person is not the only busy person around. Hey, we all can keep in touch. It does not take 10 mins to SMS or drop an email.

Well, I give up! Here is an eulogy to X:

X, we were friends. We had good times, we shared a lot and I truly enjoyed our conversations. X was funny, fun and interesting to be with. Things happened and we had a falling out. My fault, I know. But we promised to remain friends. But X did not keep X's end of the promise. I was disappointed. X, I tried, you know I did. So X, goodbye. I will stop trying. X was missed, but now no longer.

blast to the past

Interesting day - today seems like I stepped back into the past when I was still actively volunteering. Interfaith forum at Furama (former Novotel Apollo) hotel. Basically, doing mindless adhoc logistics, secretariat job and enjoying myself with my friends and meeting new ppl and eating free and good food. hehe

Nazry and Nazirah are still in the honeymoon period. Sweet in the beginning but they got neauseating and we felt very arkward. Haha. Oooh and this hotel manager was kind of cute. I noticed and so did my friends that he seemed to be checking me out. Was flattered. Heh heh.

The rest of the day was spent in just lounging around and ushering ppl and eating. Basiclaly it went like this:

7a.m: Breakfast at Mc's. HAd Big Breakfast
8-9 am: Lounge around at the Sofa while waiting for Darul staff to arrive.
9-10: Set up registration booth, free pubs and stuff and then suhered ppl in to teh ballroom.
10: Second and third breakfast - hotel food and half a filet fish and suusage egg mc muffin from Mcs that Mahdi bought for us.
11- 12.30: lounged around and had a good time talking away.
12.30-2: Lunch. Food from Kintamani Restaurant. Ate a lot, got very sleepy.
2-2.30: sat at the sofa and fell asleep
2.30- 3: went to the hotel pool because it was so cold in the ballroom.
3-3.30: lounged at the prayer area and started clearing up a bit.
3.30-4: Ate leftover hotcakes from Mcs
4-4.30: cleared the main stuff.
4.30: went home and slept until 6 (sleep was interrupted cos Hejun finally sms me :p)

Gosh! I ate a lot and practically did nothing. It really felt like it was a blast from the past. Sure our conversations are now more matured, politics, work, marriage, sex, but for this one day I felt so free from worries and I did not feel so burdened by responsibilities and work. It was just fun and laughter and catching up with friends. No stress.

We did something fun at the end when all the participants left. We collected all the writing material - writing paper and pen- and all the sweets the hotel provided in one box. I took home 3 pens and a bowlful of sweets. hehee.

7 things

Just got home from teachers' day dinner. It was fun, retro and all. Played 2 games of pool after that. 2nd time in my life I played the game. I like the game but need loads of practice if I want to be good at it. The last time I played it was years ago when I was still in uni. And that was with my ex. Ok, well, I can use the TEN to brush up on my skills. :)

Anyway, I had to go home after that cos it was past midnight and my very conservative parents won't sleep if I dont go home. You can't educate your child and get them exposed to all sorts of cultures, values and ideas and expect them to live by your old fashioned principles. Seriously, the least they could do is know the world I am living in. "Karaoke is a bad influence, don't you dare go karaokeing." (Roll eyes) Principal and VP was karaokeing too, dear mum and dad. Bet they would just collapse if they knew I was playing pool in a smoky lounge and was the only gal in our group of 5. Shhh...don't tell them. Sigh...my parents. Got to accept them cos they are the only set of parents I have. Conservative as they are and ridiculous it seems that at my age I have to follow a set of rules that are outmoded, I won't rebel against them. Cos I was brought up to be a good girl and I love my parents unconditionally. They have my best interest at heart even though their rules and mindset frustrate me. I grew up fine; just zany, crazy, loud, adventure seeking and far from being the domesticated, soft, obedient and typical young Malay woman that my parents aspire me to be; so they must be doing something right.

But, in the end, I am just a repressed person underneath all that calm exterior. The wild streak is yearning to get out. Perhaps one day when I could do all what I want to do, by then my spirit would have died and I become typical. I hate being typical. All my life I fight against being typical and I am just so afraid I will end up being like one of those average typical Minah Janes out there. I just want to be me but it is funny, ironic even having your parents saying when you are a child : "when you grow up, you can be whatever you want to be." You can be anything but yourself, because what you are is dictated by what one's family and society expects you to be. I am something else to everybody else, but I am seldom ever me nowadays. I am beginning to lose touch with who I am these days.

Fee, Fie, Fo, Fum ...

Okie, here are seven things that aai asked me to do, not in random order:

seven things that scare me:
1. not obeying Him
2. scary movies - incredible tales included
3. not being able to provide for my family
4. being lonely and unloved - including losing those I love
5. being seen as irresponsible and incompetent
6. losing myself
7. no security for my future

seven things I like the most
1. knowing that He is always with me
2. chocolates
3. going out with someone who I am comfy with and have the same wavelength as me. Read: opposite gender.
4. cats - they lead uncomplicated lives
5. daydreaming
6. the scent of freshly cut grass/ the forest after a rain
7. walking on dewy grass in the early morning

seven most important things in my room
1. my bed
2. my pc
3. my drawer with all my important documents
4. my 4 door cupboard brimming with my clothes and bags
5. my Aussino bedsheets, especially the embroidered or exclusive ones
6. my junk - things that don't fall into any category but they are there for some reason.
7. my mirror

seven random facts about me
1. I am untidy but my mess are organized mess
2. I like sports -
3. I am most vulnerable and emotional when I am PMStic and I cry when nobody is around.
4. I am incurable romantic
5. I talk to cats
6. I hate doing household chores
7. I am terribly competitive - play to win

seven things I would like to do before I die
1. complete all the articles of faith
2. repent and don't make the same mistakes again
3. Get married and have at least 3 children - one set of twins would be nice :)
4. travel more
5. further my studies outside Singapore
6. be a good wife and mother
7. do more adventurous stuff like bungee jump, etc.

seven things I can't do
1. maths
2. split myself into 2 so that I can attend softball and remedial at the same time
3. drive
4. understand why girls can be so bitchy when I am a girl myself
5. understand why girls always give the excuse of being the weaker sex just because they fail to get things done right
6. travel during non peak period
7. remain slim without exercising

seven things I say the most
1. whatever
2. rubbish
3. you people are very mean, you know
4. okie, moving on
5. Good morning/afternoon class
6. Thank you class
7. huh?

seven celeb crushes
1. Jude Law
2. ewan mcgregor
3. The guy who played in LOTR - not orlando, Liv Tyler's lover (it is 2 in the morning, can't think)
4. Spiderman - both the character and the actor whostarred in the movie
5. Christian Bale
6. Nick in CSI Las Vegas :)
7. Brad Pitt

seven ppl who have to do this
Anybody interested can do this. I dont care for chain mails. I did this cos it was fun at first and I must finish what I started. Phew! all done.

Big picture

Spent 5 hours in Chem lab 2 today. Invigilated the chem prac. 3 sessions worth of the same chem prac. I thought it would be the normal invigilation but when my first session started, I realize it won't be like any normal invigilation. Firstly, I have no idea what to do and secondly, I have no clue what they are asking for. The last time I stepped into a chem lab was 11 years ago. One student inquired for a conical flask and I was bewildered for a moment. What the heck is a conical flask? Lucky the lab assitants were there. Chem prac was pretty interesting. I used to hate chem prac. I dropped chem in sec 4 because of the practical.

Today, I had to do the one thing I hate most in teaching. Be the adult and be responsible when in my heart all I want to do is let my students have fun and join in with them. I had to chase my softballers out of school right after training. I forbade then from playing bball in the courts or stadium. I chased and followed the C div out of school. Seriously, i even threatened them with demerit points. Sigh... I hate being responsible in this manner.
Seriously, i see no harm in letting them stay in school. They are nice kids and I trust them. Some naughty and mischievous but they won't harm anybody. However, I do see the other side of the issue as well. Kids might get into trouble and all, parents complain, kids may be nice but they might get into accidents and who knows what else. So, while I would like to be a rebel and fight slongside my students but I do see the big picture.
Of course, I do not expect students to understand, I wasn't that understanding when I was a teenager. I did not see the rationale behind rules, I saw my teachers as old fashioned sticklers for rules, I did not see the constraints, I only saw the infinite possibilities that youth and energy can provide.
Okie, so i have to curb my inner fun loving me and be responsible. That sucks, but that is what I am paid for. Anyway, it is high time I behave like an adult instead of a teenager. Ok, at least I have to behave like a teacher in school. Dont have to be one when I am not with my students. Being responsible is just yucky.

Day of the Amazons

Su got married yesterday. Didn't go for her solemnisation cos was too sick and tired. Went for the wedding today. She looked very pretty. Mulyan looked so sweet. Very happy for them. Glad she finally found someone who can take care of her well.

3rd one in the squad to get married. And a TKAmazon baby coming in November. A girl too. 13 years later, maybe, she could be 2nd generation TKAmazon. Heh heh.

Shuling brought her 'boy' in tow. He is not bad looking. Must be pretty serious that she brought him to meet us. Too bad she had to flee or else we would have grind her for details. After the wedding, the 5 happening and gorgeous single ladies (Wanzhen, Suxian, Christine, Farhana and me) sat at Deli Bistro for desert and we had such a great time. We moaned about our jobs and how we have no social lives at all. Very unexciting lives we lead cos we are so bogged down with work.

It is refreshing to meet the squaddies after so long. Must meet again soon, perhaps during the Sept hols or at the very latest when Azian decides to pop in November. :)

What a day!

Zombified. Tired.

Itenary for the day:

6.30: woke up
8 - 12: Pulau Ubin, nature walk at Sensory Trail
12-2: Home, Lunch Rice with sambal goreng
2-3.15: Eee Chiew's function: Had rice and all sorts of stuff.
3.30-4.45: Cousin's place, pre wedding preps- had rice and all sorts of stuff
4.45 - 7.30: Early dinner at Sofra - had Shish Kebab with Turkish lentils and rice
7.30 - 8.30: Prayers and head for home.

Gosh, it seems between 1.15 and 7, I practically did not stop eating. When I went to my cuz's place, I was already very full. But, the food looks so delicious. And my aunts and grand aunts are such great cooks, how can I miss their food? I think i can still down some more food. Maybe I should eat the mooncakes now. Or maybe I shall not be a glutton and I should stop eating. Enough eating for the day. Tmr can continue. He heehe

I told my aunties about my students and their antics at Ubin this morning. Singapore indeed is a fine city for apparently my students have never seen mosquitoes and ants. They were more preoccupied with the mozzies and ants than listening to the nature guide. And then complain, complain and complain. Sheesh. Pampered and weak. Haha haa (of course they would deny this). We had a good laugh.

I finally bought a Crumpler. Small but it is still a Crumpler. I am just too tired to write anything else. It had been a very good day.

Blogging - Public or private?

Just watched a Malay debate on TV. VJC vs. Madrasah Wak Tanjong. Madrasah Wak Tanjong won the debate this year. They are good, in fact all the 6 debaters were very good. The issue is about blogging and VJC argued that it is a private thing whereas Madrasah Wak Tanjong argued that it is not private.

Funny when it comes to the internet, a lot of things fall in the grey area. Blogging for instance, can be considered a private realm and yet it is not private because the public can read your blog. Juxtapose blogs with traditional diaries and you see what I mean. So, it is a grey area and new laws and policies have to be invented constantly when dealing with internet. Copyrights, censorship, hacking, peer sharing, etc.

Let's talk about blogs a bit. People use blogs for a variety of reasons: personal, commercial, political, etc. Ask for help even. It all comes down to intentions. Sarong Party Girl posted her nude pictures up to gain popularity, I suppose. A Japanese lady used her blog to ask for help in her search for her runaway child. The Chinese government has a law that do not allow Chinese citizens to use words such as Democracy - shows one the power of a blog. So a blog can be powerful.

So what am I leading to? A friend sent me a link to a blog, a very disgusting blog. I was angry, upset and disappointed after reading that blog. A Singaporean made slanderous and racial remarks about a certain race in Singapore. He made unjust and unwise accusations and presumptions about a couple of religions and religious organisations in Singapore. The remarks were very malicious. I could say he is an ignorant and immature fool, but the fact remains that his blog is still out there. He receives a lot of hate tag and comments, but, I believe that is what he wants. To create waves and be noticed. It is very worrying, because his blogs are very malicious and that if there are enough people who support him, it can incite racial tension.

His taggers, be it out of hate or support, challenge him to do something about his convictions. But, do we really want that? He has put in one of his posts that he would like to be a sniper and kill someone important. In Singapore? How to get a gun, much less a sniper gun? What if he went into NS or if he signed up to be a regular? What if he could get access to such weapons? Should we just rule out all possibilities and say that it is just ramblings of a lunatic?

So what can we do? His blog is his private thoughts but if he can cause such reactions, wouldn't it be worthwhile to notice who this guy is? Hitler was seen as rambling fool that no one liked, but he made use of opportunities that helped him rise into power as a dictator. Perhaps, we should not overlook such things. Not in this day and age. I made a formal complaint to Blogger. I hope his blog gets shut down. Meanwhile, I will monitor his blogs. If the authorities could investigate the cases of scholars who made slanderous or unkind racial remarks earlier this year, I don't see why they could not do so with this guy. I am so going to do something about this.

Endorphins - the lack of it

My last day of MC. Went to the doctor in the early morning. Waited for 2 hours to see her and she saw me for less than 5 minutes. Just to take off my bandages and give advice and said we need to have a follow up in 6 months time. Good news is that the diagnosis shows it is not cancer. Ho hum...

Reliefed it is not cancer, yes but I can't help but be a bit blue. All of AHS was at East Coast Park and I was at SGH. I wanted to be at ECP too. I wanted to run the 2.4 and then do breakfast and then cycle/skate. I can't, however. I run the risk of sounding childish here, but I can't help how I felt. I have been looking forward to the cross country since last year. I wanted to run the 2.4 and improve on my timing. I even set goals for myself. I was aiming for silver or if I can, gold. How disappointing that i can't go. I remembered I was quite upset after the surgery when the nurse told me my next appointment was today.

The conversation went something like this: (remember, I jsut woke up from surgery. My head is still in a flux)
"ok, zarinah, ur next appointment is on the 5th, next friday."
"Cannot, have 2.4. x-country." Silence...
"But this appointment is to remove ur bandages."
"oh, but I have 2.4."
Nurse looked a bit puzzled here.
"School event, I want to run."
"You want to run?"
"Yes. So can change the appointment?"
"Cannot because the clinic is only open on friday mornings and there is no other time that u can go"
"So that means I can't run?"
"I dont think you should run 2.4. You just had a surgery. your stitches need to heal."
"But I want to run."
"you can't run."
"Oh, that means I can't run during my MC?"
"You can't." And she makes me sign a form and clearly points out the clause that says No vigorous exercise. Darn it.

Anyway, i was just not happy that people are having fun at ECP and I was not. They have no business to. I am sounding so like a spoilt brat. The inner child taking over. :)

But, after that I decided to make myself happy. But I can't decide where to go after SGH. I was toying either Suntec City or just go around Chinatown. I spent too much time mulling over it, that I got tired. So i decided to just go to Paya Lebar and drop off the overdue coupons at MCAS - DA. I got unhappier by the minute and I decided that I should go down to Singpost and buy myself stationery. Stationery shopping always makes me happy. I like new stationery, new notbooks, cute magnets and paperclips. I don't need them, but they are nice to own. :-)But Popular there was dismal. I didn't buy anything that could help me. So, I thought that I need to release endorphins into my system and one can only do that via exercise or eating chocolates (I lack exercise, i think, that's why not enuf endorphins to make me happy.). So I went to NTUC and bought myself chocolates and other kinds of junk food. So now there are endorphins in me, and I am relatively happy. I got over my disappointment. There is always next year. I still have to wait for about a week more before I can do any exercise, but I will be at school, so that won't be so bad.

I never thought I would say this, but I do miss all my students. But, I have 2 more days to enjoy and be the carefree, young and slightly reckless and bimbotic me before I turn myself into the no-nonsense, follow the rules, listen to me or else ... teacher.

Oompa Loompas

Went to school for a while today to do some admin stuff. Dodged some students. Don't want to see them yet today. Then, I went out with Yati to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. At Shaw House. Big theatre and being a Thursday afternoon, there was less than 10 of us in the entire place. It was cool. The last time that happened to me was back in NUS and we watched One Night In McCool's (RA) and that was before I turned 21.

I felt like a kid again. Watching CCF and eating free popcorn and nachos. But CCF is a fun show. Love the Oompa Loompas. Changed the story a bit, though. It was very Tim Burton. Quite funny plus the dark undertones of Willy Wonka as an unloved child. I want to work in his factory. I fell in love with the Waterfall and the meadow. oh oh, you can break out into a dance and a song when you are working. Hahaha. How cool is that? But, the movie is a tad too long and slow moving. But, I love it!

I was looking through Suxian's blog and she worte abt this theory of 'quota of words'. Let me quote her 'Apparently, men and women have a quota of words everyday, but women has a higher quota. In the olden days, men go out to work and women stay at home to look after the house. Men use up most of the quota of words at work, while women talks to no one at home. And when the men returns home, the women wanting to use their quota of words, begin talking incessantly to the men, and is deemed as nagging by men!' I found this rather interesting because she was complaining abt not talking enough. I totally agree with this theory because stuck at home means I have no one to talk to. And I was bored because I needed someone to talk to. Really. I just needed to use my quota. So i have not, and that bothered me for the past week. And I was kind of mean and naughty cos I picked on my students on MSN and I teased them mercilessly. Mercilessly, yes I did. Apologies ... I am mean, I know.

What about me?

Suxian said to me yesterday that the heading or my blog sounds depressing - Phlegmatic, Sanguine, Melancholic. Not really. It does not suppose to convey feelings. It is a statement of my personality tupe. I did a personality test over the hols and this is what I came up with. Just a bit of an explanation:

My dominant personality is Phlegmatic and less dominant ones are sanguine and melancholic. So what are these personality types all about? Just listing some of the personality traits ...

Phlegmatics are:
Low-key personality - yeah, esp to people I just met
Easygoing and relaxed - yupps, that's me
Calm, cool and collected - that's what a lot of people say abt me
Patient, well balanced - I guess so
Keep emotions hidden - Oh yeah, very true, this one
All-purpose person - I am a teacher, what do you think?
Makes a good parent - I hope to be one ;)
Doesn't get upset too easily - quite true, yeah kids, sometimes in class, it is all an act. But u never know dont u. So don't push it.
Peaceful and agreeable - "I am ok with anything"
Avoids conflicts - guilty as charged
Good under pressure - I always work best with a deadline and stress
Easy to get along with - Heey ...who am I to say that abt myself. hahaha
Good listener - Anyone has anything to say abt this one... :)
Enjoys watching people - yeah, I do. Esp when teenagers start kissing and groping in the MRT. Hey, they want to do it in public obviously they want people to watch...

Sanguines are ...:
Talkative - can be. Teachers used to write "she needs to talk less..."
Memory for colour - yeah, right on. Colours are my life.
Emotional and demonstrative - I can be a bit of a drama. Ok, ok, a lot drama.
Enthusiastic and expressive - Always the first to sign up for something new and exciting back in school. I use my hands a lot when I talk...
Cheerful and bubbling over - love cheerleading.
Curious - As a cat :)
Good on stage - class counts?
Wide eyed and innocent - I got out of this habit when I discovered feminism. But, it does resurface sometimes, esp when I want something. The bimbo comes out occassionally ... Ok a lot but i manage to hide her. Wide eyed and innocent is not a good trait in a teacher.
Always a child - Very difficult to suppress this one when I am in school.
Thrives on compliments - who doesn't?
Doesn't hold grudges - Life is too short. Live for the moment.

Melancholic
Deep and thoughtful - What is life? What is good and evil? Heaven and hell? :)
Serious and purposeful - serious when there is a purpose, so yes.
Genius prone - I like this one. A nobel prize awaits me in the future. Haha
Appreciative of beauty - yeah, man. Everything is beautiful, you just need to look for it.
Philosophical and poetic - See deep and thoughtful> I did very well in Philosophy 1102 - God and Religion, I think it's called.
Sensitive to others - ooooh yes.
Self - sacrificing - Not all the time
Conscientious - very
Idealistic - I have a lot of dreams...

That are some of my characteristics. Funny though, I believe I used to be a dominant Sanguine when I was younger but I think I had developed to become a Phlegmatic over the past 5 years or so. Strong desire to be less drama I think....

And, I am Golden - that's what my name means in Arabic.

In Russian, however, Czarina means Queen. Long live the Queen, the Golden one.

Queen Golden signing off ... too much time on her hands. :)

Pictures

Found pictures of my river rafting experience. It is fun. If anyone wants to go, I recommend it. :)

These are my friends I went with to Sungai Tampak, Perak. Nurul, NAdz, Azlee, Andy, Ruf, Myself, Ruf's sis (can't seem to remember her name) and Nor.







This is us being gung ho before the actually rafting. We had to carry our own rafts to the river below.

Stuck at a rapid.

The end of the rafting. All in one piece. Happy and grinning. 10km of hard paddling. Arms sore.


My certificate. Ain't that cool. :)

Bored

So bored. I thought I could enjoy the MCs but this is sheer boredom. What good is a break from school when I can't do anything? This is so sad. A Saturday and I spent my day watching TV. At least LOST is good. But after 5 hours of the series, it is just too much tv. I need to run, play ball, skate or do something. Something that gets the heart pumping and adrenalin rushing. I know, I know, no vigorous exercise, yadda, yadda yadda...

What can a gal do? There is only so much tv watching and book reading I can do before I permanantly get lost in the world of imagination and escapism. Even then, I get a headache when I leave reality behind far too long. Sleep, too much. I am tired of sleeping. I get daymares and it just means that it is not a proper sleep and I wake up grouchy and moody. Then at night, I can't sleep.

Sheesh! so much energy but can't use it. Everybody's asleep in the house. It is so quiet. EEEEKS! I just want to scream. Why can't they give me drugs or something that makes me drowsy and forces me to sleep most of the time. At least they can be sure I won't do anything vigorous. I am going crazy. How long does it take for stitches to get healed anyway. I am sure it is healed already. Sigh, double sigh, triple sigh...this is torture.

Maybe I should plan what I am going to do for the rest of the year. I read in Shape magazine that if the ring finger is longer than the index finger, it means that one is a better driver. This is due to the level of testosterone that one has at birth...or something along that line. Well, my ring fingers are longer than my index fingers. Maybe that should renew my faith to take up driving sometime at the end of the year. That would make a whole lot of people happy. Why they bother about me and driving, I am not too sure. But, I highly doubt that i will take up driving. I will just panic on the road or something and plus I do so enjoy being driven.

Oh god, I am just rambling on about unrelated stuff. This is majorly boring. It is times like this that I am starting to think that my aunts do have a point. It is time I find me a man. At least I have someone to talk to when I am bored, angry, moody or whatever. Okie, this is X rated for all my students. R(A) 21. So scoot, no more reading. Go on, read and I will make your life miserable. Last warning....Oh heck... this is my space. I have to get back to the dating scene soon. Oh help, that would not be so easy. Malay men are just so ... so .. so ... what's the word, oh yeah, typical and boring. Of course, Sohabahs excluded. :) Typically boring. What happened to vision-mission men? They are not interested in marriage and I think they are not interested in malay gals. Ay, that's the rub. A string of family weddings coming up pretty soon. My cousins are marrying gals who are younger than me. A younger gal cousin is getting married in December. Nagging aunts galore. Heehhee. At least they are concerned, adorable aunts. :) Hah! maybe I could spend the rest of my medical leave planning on how to meet guys. That would be a blast! NOT! :/

Maybe I should just break the rules and go skating....

My boys

Went to watch the C boys softball match at Montfort. There, I realized the wisdom of taking MCs seriously. At home, I am all alert and perky but outside it took a whole lot of energy just to be normal. Quite woozy, fluey, slower and my stitches do hurt.

But, it was all worth it. My boys may have lost and it is the end of nationals for them, but they played well. They fought well from the beginning to the end.

I am immensely proud of them.

surgery blues

I just got home from SGH. Still slightly groggy. I need to sleep but I need to eat too. Not that I am hungry (went without food since 10 last night - 18 hours of no food) but i need to eat in order to take the pain killers. Am waiting for food now.

I am going to have 2 scars. Sigh...don't like scars.

The lady before me had complications and so I waited for so long to go in surgery. The wait helped me clear my nerves a bit. The staff all very nice and they made it all very comfortable. I was very nervous when it was my turn. Trembled slightly at the operation table. Could feel the injection in my hand. But the general anesthetic took care of everything else after that. Next thing I knew, I woke up facing a window. Feotal position and shaking badly. Very, very, very cold. They put some kind of hose that blew hot air into my blankets. Felt better after that. Pain is bearable.

When I took the taxi to SGH in the morning, the driver was very kind. He assured me that everything will be ok. His wife went through it and he understood. It was nice of him. He said that I will get moody after the operation. And yes, I did. But my parents started it. Never ask someone who is still slightly groggy from an operation a battery of questions. You are just going to get frustration and tears.

Anyway, 11 days of MC ... that's the upside. Still, I might not use it all. I only prepared enough until Friday. well, shall see how. I might pop down to school tmr and go Montfort for the match. It all depends on how I am feeling in the morning.

Think I can skip the food. I just want to sleep. Can't stay up anymore.

Uncovering reality

Going for surgery in the morning.

Have you ever had an experience so unpleasant or shocking that you refuse to acknowledge it?This is the very situation. I know for a month now. I refused to even think about it. I won't let it all sink in and accept it. It does not help that school has kept me busy. Sec 4s, tournaments and all.

No time to deal with it. Don't think about it. It won't happen. Wishful thinking. Illogical.

Madam Sim asked why I did not tell her earlier. How could I, when I myself refuse to believe it.

Fear manifests itself in many forms. The most common form of disguise that fear takes is anger. Can't suppress fear. It wants to be heard and dissipate from the source, the person. Covered and hidden, it brews, it breeds, it feeds.

Morning arrives. Going under the knife.

homecoming elections

Went to TKGS yesterday for match. It was nostalgic. Back to my old school. I can see my old classroom at the corner. They had additions to the school. Plenty of changes. Hard to believe it was 10 years since I graduated from TKGS. Moribus Modestus - Demure and Resolute. We were resolute but seriously never demure, until we graduate. All the fence climbing, yakking loudly etc... those were the days. I could practically see ghosts of my younger self and of my friends. It would probably be more nostalgic if I went to the old school building. All the naughty and mischievous things we did as students. I am much naughtier than most of my students. But, I am smart, never get caught. Oh, and our road crossing abilities developed during our TK years. :)

Oh and the TKGS spirit! Do I miss it. TKGS softball girls are aggressive and loud showing what true TKGians are made off. Long live the TK spirit! The cheers they did, very uplifting. We are very good at cheerleading. I so do want to do a cheer.

Anyway, today did a very important thing for the future of our nation. I went for elections training. Yupps, was selected for this upcoming elctions to be on duty. 4 hours training session. All teachers and of course teachers... we are such sociable creatures and so by the end of the session we are all friends. I just realise there are so many teachers living in Bedok Reservoir. So many of us. . Being teachers, we were so into the role play and all. Kind of fun la the hands on session. Too bad I wasn't able to play the role of a wheelchair bound voter.

what happened to the weekend?

Sunday night. Tomorrow school. Sigh. I am tired. I so need to do my work now. Marking, lessons to plan. Can't do it. I really have no energy. Spent most of my weekend asleep. Supposed to do work and all, but there is no energy. My PC is always on as a reminder to do my work but I cannot bring myself to get started. Goodness, I think I am going to break.

This term is one very busy term. Plus with that thing happening in Week 5. Have been too busy to really think about it. Actually, I don't want to think about it, but I have to. Classic ostrich syndrome, as I called it. As long as I don't see/think about it, it is not a problem/it won't happen. Wake up! It is going to happen and you know it.

I am just so down. Emotional rollercoaster. Started with missing Nadz's solemnisation at ROMM. I would have given anything to be there. Of course, I have about 250 teenagers to mould and my conscience just wouldn't allow me. That weighs heavily on my shoulders. Plus, I have to miss a few lessons with my sec 4s in the next few weeks and that makes me feel more terrible. Of course, week 5... why am I not a total ditzy blonde?

I would like to take this opportunity to ask my students not to do things last minute. For example, the test is tomorrow, please try to ask me questions days before the test. Not the day before. I do not mind answering questions but seriously, what good does it do? Especially when the test is on a Monday morning and you are asking me on a Sunday night. It is a bit too late especially if you ask me questions that requires a long explanation. Please call, and don't sms. It is easier to explain long and difficult questions that way. Also do that if you have more than 1 question. Much as I would like to make myself available to my students at all times, I am not always free. I wish the best for all my students and I wish I could be there for all of you at all times but I am only human. Perhaps, this is a good time to give fair warning to my students that I am planning a trip to Chiangmai in September hols. I need a break. I hope it gets approved. I know, prelims is right after the hols, so I am giving you the heads up to ask me questions way before then.

Achin'

Tired. muscles hurt. Still haven't finish doing ppt slides. Had been a looooooooooooooooong day. Stressed out. Tonnes to do. When will it end?

OIC Singapore was good though. Love the musical/dance extravaganza. Glad they got Jacintha to sing the national anthem. She did it beautifully. It was a sophisticated arts affair. Rahimah Rahim was great. Seriously, she has such grace and elegance. Super glad they decided to use veterans in this affair.

So tired, was glued to the tv while marking mind maps. Refused to move. Finally budged out of the sofa. Would have been a good day overall but I was served with a letter from IRAS. Must pay tax! Darn! Am super broke now.

Body achin', heart achin' and pocket achin'!

amazing things in a small world

Didn't eat breakfast for 2 days in a row. Amazing. I seldome ever skipped breakfast, but for 2 days I did. That is saying something. i love breakfast. Always eat a huge one. Went for sports day on an empty stomach and I still had loads of energy. Today went and had tutorial with 4G while stomach growling. Had lunch at home. Quite a treat we had today. I ate yesterday's leftovers cos my mum was too sick to cook and then my father came home and he brought Indian Rojak! So had a huge lunch to make up for today.

I took taxi home from school today. A waste of money but no choice cos I was tired and loads of stuff to carry. What luck I flagged down my neighbour's taxi. At that time both of us didn't know we are neighbours. It was only after the driver asked which block I stayed then he said he lives in the same block. We talked some and he said something that made me so ashamed of myself. Told him I took taxi cos I have so many books to bring home and mark. And he said he understands cos he knows my father and my father is not an extravagant man. So he is sure that I am not extravagant as well. Boy, I was silent for a while. Not very nice to contradict him. I am not extravagant but the amount of taxis I take.... actually, I have a theory. My father never spend much money on us while we grow up. Always very basic and loads of hand me downs. No toys, no games, just that one Scrabble he bought for me when i was in Pri 5 because I reasoned that it is an educational game and that the whole family can play together. And that camera in Pri 3 because I made a deal with him that he will get me a camera if I get 1st place. We were very understanding, he is the eldest of 10 siblings, some of my uncles and auties were still schooling when I was very young. So he had to help his family. We made do without a lot of things. No complains, grew up fine after all. But, now that I have my own money, I want to buy things that had been denied from me. So, Aussino, branded T shirts etc...but then again, I wouldn't call it extravagant since I live within my means and I dont buy a whole lot of branded or expensive stuff. Still...think i should cut down on taxis. I spend quite a bit on taxis each month....

Extravagant is this certain someone I know who earns very little but she changed her hp every few months and she spend hundreds each time she changed it. Nvm...don't wish to talk about her. She is totally taking advantage of the situation.

Anyway, the taxi driver who happens to be my neighbour refuses to except payment from me. So I got a free ride. Yaay. What a nice day it had been.

Going to go out with sohabahs later. Can't wait.

on teachers

Sports day. Won third place for EL dept in 4X100 relay race. Not too bad for someone who hasn't run since God knows when. There was a crazy teacher who was cheering away at the grandstand. The only teacher crazy enough to do that. Cheering away for Softball, of course. Crazy. No other teacher bothered to cheer for anybody. ;p

Lunch at BK. Talked about students, books, Tom Cruise and dirty stuff. (Ms Zarinah!!! dirty stufff????)

We also talked on the way to BK about the lack of awareness of students. ;)

Facts on teachers:
Teachers do not live in staff room. We have homes to go back to.
Teachers read other books too. We do not read only textbooks.
Teachers have dreams, ambitions and hobbies. We do not just teach.
Teachers were given birth to, nurtured, went to school and we were once your age (gasp!).
Teachers do not just materialise out of air, all grown up and ready to teach.
Teachers have feelings. (yes, we do. So watch it!)
Teachers who are not married are still entitled to 5 day work week - we have parents to spend our weekends with.
Teachers do not disappear on the days they don't teach you. So please hand in your homework.
Believe it or not, teachers do get tired, teachers do not like to scold, teachers do not know everything (if we are omniscient, we are demi-Gods), teachers watch movies, teachers are also capable to hold a conversation about movies, celebs and things other than school related matter. Teachers are human beings.

Wow! what a revalation about teachers. :)

Cats 'n' such

Cat's sick. He's been home all day for the past few days. He is never home when well. Actually he is not our cat, he is just a cat that we feed and share our space with. He treats us like a restaurant, hotel and hospital roll into one. I swear that cat is much more intelligent than we give him credit for. I mean, what other cat actually devised a cat sharing sytem? Seriously, this cat put us in a cat sharing sytem and did not tell us. We thought we were the only ones who feed and pet him. Apparently he has been going to my neighbours too. And we only found out by accident. Plus, that cat knows Malay. He understands everything we say to him! But, in all fairness, he likes us the best. Why else would he treat us like a convenient convalescence resident or a resort?

7 cats since I was 7 and out of all these 7, only 2 was rescued by me to it from the life of a stray cat. All others were smart enough to appear at our doorstep begging for food. Then they keep coming everyday for food, and everyday they get bolder and then one day we would find that stray cat sleeping on the sofa. They have claimed us as their family. We are stuck with them. No arguments about it. Don't know why though, being my family's pet ain't an easy life. Sure we feed them but my mum and I are perfect Almiras from Animaniacs. We squeeze and cuddle and kiss our cats till they beg for mercy or scratch or bite, whichever is more convenient. Still they love us and these cats kept coming.

Too bad these cats are regular pariahs, would love a British long hair. And only 1 cat was female. All others male. Tom cats are terrible. They don't like cuddles and kisses. Tabies are much more loving. As I type this, that cat is sleeping on the bed, making a bloody mess on the sheets.

Kidnapped

Was kidnapped, went to East Coast for R & R while awaiting ransom. Hehehe. It is so cool, hanging out with friends on a thursday evening. My Sohabahs

Thousands of lights across the horizon at twilight. I swear I thought I was looking at another city just out there. But they are all ships. Amazing.

Love these impromptu outings. Makes life spicy and exciting.

Due for a proper outing this saturday. ;)

Funny how something so small can be so significant. Funny how memories can be sweet and beautiful yet painful at the same time. Funny how something that seems so difficult to do is actually the easiest thing in the world to do. Funny....

KL trip continued

KL is really bustling. We went around via the monorail and LRT. It is rather easy to get around KL. Everywhere is connected by train. Oh and the food! Food glorious food!. Almost everything is halal. We ate and ate and never skipped a meal. I regretted not buying the hot dog at GV. Not that it probably taste any different from other kind of hot dogs but it is an experience, right? I gained weight after 5 days. I can't refuse the food because I just love the food.

Oh and you know the traffic lights are cute. Okie, interesting not cute. You know in Singapore, the green man just stands there and blinks but in KL the green man that signals padestrians to cross actually walks and it will speed up to show that the time is running out. It is cool.

By the third day of shopping, I felt really tired and my legs were hurting. My thighs and calf muscles never had to work so hard. Had to check out of the comfy 4 star Chorus Hotel and we extended our stay till 3 pm beause we wanted to take a nap. We never made full use of the facilities or the things in our hotel rooms. I discovered there were extra pillows in one of the cupboards half hour before checking out. How silly!

Moved off to Maluri Hotel in Cheras. I was initially sad having to move away from KLCC and i was crushed to arrive in Maluri because Cheras is a suburb and it looks so residential without any form of shopping or fun. It looked so ulu. The only saving grace was the Jaya Jasco nearby. Not too bad and we had such a good meal at Shakey's. My sis and bro in law went for their business meeting at PGRM so I decided to watch TV and sleep early. I was very very tired. The aircon was very dry in our room and i was very dehydrated. My skin had started to peel and I had to wake up a few times in the night to get a drink.

Next morning ate nasi lemak at the road side and we went to Menara PGRM again. Played SmartMoney. It is a very interesting game. I was hooked on it. It is a simple board game but the objective is to achieve more passive income than active income. I have always thought about money for my future and this game made me think even further. Everybody who is working should play this game. It is a great financial advisor.

I had the chance to shop around at Jaya Jasco. They had problems with credit cards cos MayBank was upgrading the system. So they had to charge manually. I was fascinated but it was very troublesome. Oh Malysians service is not too great and they are slow. Not very efficient but they make up for it by being very polite. Somehow when people are polite it makes up for everything else. Singaporeans sales staff are very efficient and all but soemtimes they are so not polite and that is a turn off.

That night I went for the leadership seminar in place of my bro in law cos he went to York, England for work. I was told to dress formally but purposely did not bring any clothes suitable for the seminar. So what I wore that night was mostly bought in KL. The only thing from home is my brooch and watch. Hehee. New top, pants, scarves, handbags and shoes and don't forget the new makeup! If I had more time and options i probably would have bought a new brooch and watch too. Seminar was very motivating but a little over the top. Fell asleep at the end but I was convinced about the Network 21 system. The first thing that hit me when I went in the auditorium was that people were very excited. They are from Singapore, Brunei and Malaysia and they believe in this sytem. Then the idea is not to get rich quick but to work to build up the Amway business and get rich via the business. I was sold. I want to retire early and spend more time with my family and do my hobbies. The more I thought about it, the lesser my scepticism became. Seriously, I like teaching and I love my students but the amount of work I put in now is going to make me burn out in a few years time. If I do get married and have children, no way am I going to put in this much effort. And looking at my sis and her family and their struggle not to make ends meet but the struggle to look after their own children and spend time with them makes me resolved that there has to be a better way. Plus, I know that in order to live this lifestyle that I have now when I am older, I need to make more money and I dont think money will come in via conventional work.

last day in KL and one more seminar in the morning. Phenomenal experience. Think i would like to go for the next weekend seminar.

Okie, that's it. Running out of steam so I had better end here. Adios...

5 days 4 nights in KL

Juts came home from KL. Fun trip but tiring. Went on Wednesday morning via AEROLINE. A bus company that offers a plush ride to KL and straight to Chorus hotel. The seats in the bus are nice and clean. Very comfy. High deck too. Plus they have a cabin crew that serves food and drink. A tad expensive though. Chorus hotel is a 4 star hotel. Very near to KLCC. Walking distance and next to Avenue K. I had a room all to myself which is cool.

On the first day, we went around KLCC immediately after we checked in. we spent a few hours just going round and round the mall and window shop. Met a few of my relatives there. We were so surprised to see the other. At night we went Chinatown. Wonderful bargains but since it is our first night in KL I did not buy a lot of thinsg because dont want to run out of $. But really, a lot of cool and branded stuff at a cheaper price and the haggling is just fantastic.

Woke up the next day to eat breakfast at A&W. Then we went to Masjid India to look for scarves and my mum's stuff. It is not as fun as I would expect. The scarves look very normal. We were trying to find Italian donatella scarves but they are pretty ex in KL. One shop sold it cheaper but we didn't know. We fell in love with 2 yellow scarves and tried to haggle. She wanted $18 each and would not even lower a single red cent. So she told us to take a walk first and see if her price are not good. So we did and well her words are true so we came back to jher but what a rude shock we had. She refused to sell us the scarves. I was so insulted and embarrassed. My sister was mad. My bro in law was disgusted. Seriously, we were willing to buy her scarves at her price and she turned us down. And she wouldn't even give us any kind of sales service. She practically ignored us and said "not selling". Tolak rezeki betul pompuan ni. Adake boleh buat niaga macam gitu. Macam mana lah orang Melayu tak maju. Tak tahu nak pikat pelanggan. Entahlah, susah nak cakap...Anyway it was usch a contrast to Chinatown. The stall owners in Chinatown were enticing us to buy theirs goods and treating customers like kings and queens and were giving us good prices. All I know is that next time I go to KL and buy scarves, I am never buying from that woman.

Went to Berjaya Times Square next. I wanted to go there to ride the roller coaster. We had lunch at Kenny Rogers first. Was very full by the time we dinished eating. We went to teh theme park to check it out. It is rather interesting and we saw how thrilling teh roller coaster ride is. I was quaking in my sandals at the thought of riding teh roller coaster. But we were too full and i know I would throw up my very delicious black pepper kenny rogers chicken if i were to ride it then. So we decided to pray and shop first. There are 8 floors and up to 5 floors were occupied. I finally found a pair of shoes i liked and bought another pair of sandals. The show shop is called VAMP and tehy are setting up a store in Sg soon. By the time we finished shopping we were too tired to do the theme park. So we had to skip it and we had to rest at Secret Recipe and pig out on cakes. We had hazelnut cheesecake, raspberry cheesecake and Tiramisu. How very sinful. hehehe.

Went back to hotel for some reprieve and then went back to KLCC for more shopping. Bought Rm230 worth of makeup from M.A.C because my sis said I have to wear makeup in order to attract guys. I thought "why not? Makeup is fun. Dont have to attract guys though. They should look at me beyond my physical beauty or defects". Had a fast makeover session too. Had to shop for pants but the prices were ridiculous. We stopped at Coffee Bean for a light snack and drinks. Maybe teh makeup really works plus glossy lips and all, the guy at the counter practically was trying to catch my eye and smiling at me. hehehe. My sis and bro in law can't stop teasing me about it. We chatted until it was time to watch BAtman Returns at 1145. Very cool show.

2 days in KL so far. Very fun and exciting. But I think the standards of living is so much higher than in Singapore. A lot of thinsg are costly. Food is costly for Malaysians I feel. Oh and the sun...thought I would be running away from softball training but the sun was so much hotter than in Singapore. The humidity was low and you hardly perspire but we did get dehydrated easily. And so drying. On the second day, my face became red like sunburnt. I had to use so much sunblock and mosturizer. And the pollution is terrible. A walk along the road made my face itch after that. And I was sneezing away due to the dust particles. I am that sensitive to dust and pollution.

Anyway it is 112 am and i need to sleep. Will continue the rest of my journey another time.

high on frappe

Had dinner and dessert with TKAMAZONians today. Its been awhile since we met. Well, there were 5 of us of the original 15 today. Or well...14 now since 1 has left her earthly shell. Anyway, 5 of us but we had a good time anyways. 4 of us teachers. It is a wonder we did not talk our internal auditor to death about students and school. Missed the rest though. I especially wanted to see Azian cos she should be 6 months pregnant now but she cant make it. She is the first amongst us to get preggy and we don't want to miss all her developments and all.

All of us have grown somewhat. F still quirky but suffering from dementia. Hehhee. And she is jealous that we have all started blogging and she isn't. hehehe. Ain wordly wise now that she came back from her Eu trip and still garang and jetlag. Lijun has let her hair grow long and an NPCC officer. Suxian telling us the ups and downs of her life and job. We are all so grown up now and it was just 13 years ago we all met as NPCC cadets in TKGS.

TCC desert is to die for. The lava chocolate is fantastic and the ambience great. Should patronise TCC more often.

2 more weeks of hols!

Wow, time sure fly past. i have only 2 more weeks of hols and not a scrap of work has been done. Oklah, did some work but have lots more to do. Actually, it has not been much of a holiday. went to school everyday for the past 2 weeks. Softball training, remedials, personal coaching, cleaning up desk and history room. Of course did more than just that. Went out some. This week I went out with Ruf and Nurul to Sentosa. Had a good time talking about 'vision-mission men' and of course our lives while soaking in the lagoon. Nurul's and my stories are mostly about students, school, volunteer work, students and school and students. We gathered we dont have much of a life outside school. How sad. It is more interesting to listen to Ruf's stuff cos it has no students in it. Hehehee.

Went out with Khamilia and Hazelin too. Being teachers we talk mostly about, well guess ... yeah students and school mostly... but we did talk about other stuff too. It was fun. Should do more of these meeting up more often.

I finally started to exercise. As of today, I went jogging twice and skating once. Taking a break today. My back and leg muscles hurts. Guess they are in shock ... suddenly their services are needed again. Heheheh.

Nothing eventful happened so far. Well, can't wait for my KL trip next week.

Of Minahs and Mat motor

There was a wedding in one of the blks here yesterday. Quite a big party cos they had a celebration on Saturday as well. I didn't really take note of it, because it is after all wedding season, until the bride and groom was ushered in their car with an entourage of at least 20 motor bikes. They were very noisy, revving up their engines and blasting their horns. To make a statement, no doubt. No grudge against them abt that. It is after all a happy occassion and they just want to celebrate the fact that their bro/sista are married. I understand the clannish attitude.

But, something turned me off. It was the minahs sitting perched behind the guys on the motorbikes. I have nothing against minahs .. really nothing, but I do not like it when girls wear our malay traditional costumes and ride a motorbike. Why? Because it is indecent! I mean, the traditional costumes, be it the kebaya or the baju kurung, are a symbol of a girl/woman that is sweet and decent and alluring. Now, when u wear these costumes and u want to sit on a motorbike, it means u have to hitch the long skirt up thigh high...it ruins the image of what a malay girl in the malay traditional dress suppose to epitomise.

Of course the smarter ones wear the skirt with slits, so they dont have to hitch it up. But still... I may be a ferring but i do know something ... The slit is there as a form of peek-a-boo to "now u see my ankles, and a little bit of my calf, now u don't". It is sexy, alluring, a mystery. So, when u wear a skirt with a long slit and u sit on the motorbike, u expose an entire leg all the way up... what mystery is there left? U lose the appeal, it becomes too blatant, grotesque, cheap even. Same goes with the traditional costume, the kebaya and the baju kurung, the long sleeves and long skirt is to provide mystery, illusion. what is left exposed or seemingly exposed is just enough to tantalise. It leaves a trail of wonderment, exquisite elegance BUT it is all spoilt by riding a motorbike!

I don't claim to be an expert but this is what I believe. To don on the malay traditional dress or any traditional dress, one must be a lady. Elegant and poised. What that is covered by the dress should remained covered. Don't go spoil it. To ladies who think it is liberating and sexy to hitch up their skirts and ride motorbikes, think again. Men, honourable men, do not think it is sexy .. I am no prude but I think when sexy becomes too blatant it becomes cheap.

I am not sorry if I offended anyone because what I saw offended me. I am entitled to my own beliefs, values and principles. Judge me if you will but I will not change them.

holiday blues - got hit on the head

Well..I did it. After much cajoling from my dear sohabah, I went and got this blog set up. It took some time, but at least the skeleton is up. I wanted to wait until it is all perfect before I post a blog but I forsee that this blog is a project that will never finish. I will probably change it every now and then. So, watch this space for more new stuff in time to come.

It is the holidays and I am blue. I went shopping today and I didn't really enjoy it. I was in a reverie much of the time. I was thinking about my life. A dangerous place to go because the last time I thought about my life like this, I was in my quarterlife crisis. I just hope that I won't go into a second crisis ever again in my life. Going through a crisis was very painful, depressing and lonely. Seriously, if I didn't have faith, family and good friends, I probably have gone into a full blown depression and God knows what I might have done. That was 4 years ago. Good news is, I know I can prevent myself from going into a crisis. Cos I figured out why I am feeling lousy. I can't say it here, perhaps I will never tell anyone the reason. It is too personal. But, I know how to remedy the situation. I have to follow my dreams, even though I may be alone while pursuing them.

Why did I not think of it before? Perhaps getting hit on the head by a softball woke me up. Lucky it was thrown by a sec 1 girl. If it was thrown by one of the boys, I'd probably have a concussion. Yupps, softball are not soft and if you insist it is so, you need a hit on the head by one. Hey, my head still hurts k...

forgive me for being a bit philosophical these days... one needs to look at life and question it from time to time. It doesn't help that I have been reading some philosophical books lately. Yesterday I read Z for Zachariah and A Brave New World. Today I read The Orange Girl by Jostein Gaardner. All pretty much philosophical and question certain theories and assumptions of life. I was even doing a parallel with St Exepury's The Little Prince while reading The Orange Girl. These are good books to read, maybe a bit heavy for some but very good books indeed. Certainly, I look at life differently each time I read these books.

Life, Oh life... If I were at the brink of the universe and I had to choose to live my life for a short span on earth only to be wrenched back from it, never to return or to say no, thank you because I cannot except the rules... I would choose the short span on earth.

The dream of something unlikely has its own special name. We call it HOPE. - the orange girl